pasts paving futures

...this was written a few years back - when I started on a new direction... 

When you realise that your old life doesn’t suit you any more and you feel out of place in it there is only one thing but to change it! The realisation that this is what you are going to have to do is a lot easier than making the change – I mean there are so many things to consider….what will this new life entail for starters? How will it steer a path away from the existing yet still keep some of the things that make you/me up?  Do I need to look at the past to perhaps see a future that fits and I want to be a part of? Don’t read me wrong here – I certainly aren’t saying that my life is or was crap or anything – I mean who’s is perfect? Mine has had many twists and turns, ups and downs that would make a mountain bike trail look flat and straight!

Like anyone there are so many things I would love to do again, times I wish never happened and various memories of both these times. Whether much would change if I did any again – who can say?  I am not sure whose dream it was that I just lived.  Can’t say it was ever something I thought, let alone dreamed nor planned to do. Crazy the paths life’s journey takes us on when you surrender and get caught up in the voyages.

Okay so as you may recall – I brought me a Seadoo Jet-ski in the spring of 1999. It was the start of many a crazy thing I did that summer / year, but who would have thought it would lead to opening my own Seadoo store. It certainly was the beginning of one hell of a voyage for the past decade.

Still cracks me up that one of the motorcycle guys I knew at the time “gave m 6 months till I was bored of my jetski” well little did he or I know that 6 years on I would still be leading the way in the industry, won top sales dealer each year since opening and becoming a bit of a fixture among the jetski industry of New Zealand.  It was my life – all I knew – all that I got up for in the morning. Even at its all time lows I got up, dusted myself off, took a deep breath, and took my place at the shop

From selling to racing – I was excelling, leading and loving it! Did I expect it to give me the adventures I had? Not likely!

2* snapped ACL’s, 2 lots of 4 stitches, multiple fibreglass shards pulled from my skin, scuffs, cuts and bruises (not to mention the tears and fears!)

And let’s not forget the many individual characters that I have met and befriended over this time in my life. Oh My…there is probably a book right there!  Although if I have to say it – they are the reason I kept going and they helped give me the spring in my step at work and especially the trade shows of the industry.  Some came and went, leaving no impression, maybe stealing a few braincells – but they replenish don’t they?  And then there are the characters that made it so much fun. Even the long hard hauls or work for some were great times with some of them.

So I did my 10 years (well just shy of) I was true and loyal to the brand – some would say to a fault, but that was my choice to be that way. Everything you do is by choice – good or bad. We choose to get up in the morning. Choose what to wear, if we are going to have breakfast, and how we will deal with those we come into contact with during our day to day life exchanges. All in all reality we choose if we will remember or forget the day that just was!

Having the memory of an elephant isn’t always they most wanted gift from our creator.  Maybe alzeimers will even it all out when I am older? Who knows what the future, what I may buy next and possibly run away with.  Suddenly the circus is looking easy and familiar…maybe the lions and tigers will be easily appeased now and into the future.  I know the road will always twist and turn in the most amazing and unplanned ways…

*add another ACL reco since this was written

dont go chasing waterfalls

...but do chase your dreams.

Dreams are an interesting thing and not just confined to your slumber.  They consist of your imagination, hopes, beliefs, fears and wants.

The dreams of our slumber can inspire or warn us for our waking lives.

Those in our waking world can lead us to greatness and deliver us from which we hide from.  We all have dreams, some just choose not to engage them, to live a life less ordinary or challenge our thoughts and beliefs or just chase down a whim.

All too often I am told that I am "living the dream" - but what is that exactly?

Reality is that I am just living my life, doing what I want, if I want and I guess with whom I like for the most part.  Granted so few get to do this but then so few choose to throw caution into the wind and follow their heart or an idea or wildest dream to find out what the world and their lives truly have in store for them.

"there is so much more to happen for you yet"

It is not any easy thing to leave your home, family and friends to give things "a go" on the other side of the world.  I don't know if it is fear of the unknown or just a comfort in the familiar that keeps us where we are, doing the same thing day in day out .

Those that know me would agree that I have never really conformed to the ways of the normal world.  You could say I push the boundaries, take on things I know nothing about and give anything I can a go, especially if it has handlebars, motor or water .  I have been known to throw caution into the wind, living by the seat of my pants and just jumping in feet first - living by the seat of my pants - which isn't always on anything solid!

So far it has lead me to far away countries and islands where I have met all manner of people and had experiences a plenty to fill my senses and curiosity.  Living summer to summer - Europe to New Zealand, the Pacific and anywhere in between. 

Its not a dream.

Its just someone else's reality.

A different way of life.

Seeing places a new yet all too often so so old.

Meeting new people, hearing new languages and learning about old cultures

Moving from Port to Port without every seeing a pirate nor mermaid.

Bu even a travellers life is full of barriers - be it language or time zone, money or religion.  It is never a straight path when you following "your nose" in an attempt to make a new life or lifestyle for yourself.

Living out of a suitcase is not a life many would want or enjoy, and surely not what dreams are made of for the majority of those you know, but it does have a strange appeal to it.  It has become my choice of lifestyle.  It is a way to follow the path you dreamed of.  Can't say I saw the path as this twisted and steep but then

"we don't grow when things are easy, we grow when we face challenges" 

One day I will find the elusive end to the rainbow chasing (don't worry I will let you know if there is a pot of gold there...yeah right!)  I know one day I will find the place I belong as much as the place I grew up.  A place I can call my home, one that will calm my itching feet, and fill my mind with all it needs to stop looking for paradise.  It could be Alaska, The Caribbean or a small Pacific atoll.  Who knows and only time can tell if such a place even exists. 

Some times that is the great part about dreaming, it can be of places you are yet to discover or it could be a mix of everything you have seen before.

Who knows what you may find in the unknown - maybe your equal to share the dream or the next traverse and adventure. 

Be it for however long the moment lasts.  

lest we forget

It is hard to comprehend the idea of war when in a country at the other side of the world from where the wars took place.  Yet so much here was made ready for an invasion during the second world war - growing up near north head it was so normal to explore the tunnels and the gun emplacements of Mt Victoria - not to mention entering the tunnels under my old high school from St Leonards beach - and then there is the legend of the "japanese spitfire" in the mud by Whenuapai Air Base.

My granny Lilian Solomon passed away in March this year at the ripe old age of 101.83 years old.  She was born in 1913.  I miss her so much but it also pulled me apart watching her get so old and frail.  I pulled out a memoir that she wrote a few years ago and there are some memories that she wrote of the first world war.  

I love the way she starts "my earliest memory is being handed over the fence to a neighbour when my sister was born. I can remember the doctor coming and wondering what the hell he had in his little black bag..."

but here is the real part of her first memory after that...she was a very young child at the outbreak of World War 1...

"The next one I suppose was going down to see Uncle George off to the war, Mum's brother. He wasn't married so it could have been in the reasonably early part of the war.  Early to middle part I would think.  That was at the Auckland Railway Station and I remember there were lots of people.  To a certain degree I must have known what was happening because I used to tell my Dad - we used to talk about the war at that stage - "well you can go for a fortnight and then you've got to come home to me" I can remember sitting there on his knee saying this quite vividly.  He'd just laugh.  He was about to be called up when the war finished, it was getting around to his age group to be called up.  I can remember saying it to him quite a number of times.  When my Uncle George came back he was shellshocked.  I never ever saw him again after that because he lived somewhere down near Taumaranui way and he finished up in a psychiatric hospital.  He did marry but I don't ever remember seeing him again.  I could have cousins that I never knew.  I remember when he died - that was years later.  He was the only uncle I had out here.  Mum came out to New Zealand to get married.  Dad came out six months ahead of Mum - they grew up together.  Mum came out on her own and a bit later George came out.  He didn't actually live with us.

"Probably the next vivid memory in those early days was the bonfires on Mount Eden when peace was reclaimed.  We still lived in the same house on The Drive and I remember Dad taking us out to look at the bonfires on top of Mount Eden.  There was a certain amount of excitement, people in the street.  I don't really remember any personal feelings although I knew dad could have had to go.  At that age it doesn't really register, well not in those days anyway, it perhaps does more with young people today because I think they probably talk about things more than they did when I was a kid.  You were seen and not heard in lots of ways.  War was discussed and different ones going, families that you knew, and I suppose the fact Uncle George going, that just brought it home to you properly.  While I remember the celebrations of the bonfires when peace was declared I don't really remember anyone actually coming back."

I really hope that I never get to see war like they had last century in my life time. The fear and shock I felt the morning of September 11 is etched still on my mind and I remember saying that I would rather shoot my partner in the leg than let them go to war.  You can never return from something like as you left.  War and violence takes a certain mind set, one I would hate to see in someone I loved.  To consider what the world could have been like should the war have gone the other way is beyond imagination.   We owe those that gave their lives for our freedom so much - to honor them 100 years on seems such a small thing to give them back.  

THEY SHALL NOT GROW OLD, AS WE THAT ARE LEFT GROW OLD

AGE SHALL NOT WEARY THEM NOR THE YEARS CONDEMN

         AT THE GOING DOWN OF THE SUN AND IN THE MORNING

WE WILL REMEMBER THEM

- LEST WE FORGET                  

Forgot..?

"We think of non mothers as rangy lone wolves - rattling around, as dangerous as teenage boys or men.  We make women feel that their narrative has ground to a halt in their 30's if they don't 'finish things' properly and have children.

The inference of the word 'childless' is negative - one of loss or lack.

Men and women have convinced themselves of a dragging belief that somehow, women are incomplete without children"

I don't think that I am wrong not to have had children - and lets get real here there are greats like Katharine Hepburn, Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Aniston, Oprah, Bettie White, Chelsea Handler, Stevie Nicks, Ashley Judd, Kim Cattrell, Candace Bushnell, Elizabeth Gilbert and Dame Helen Mirren who all don't have kids and are no worse off for it...I love Dame Helens quote on it...

"It was not my destiny, I kept thinking it would be, waiting for it to happen, but it never did, and I didn't care what people thought...It was only boring old men [who would ask me]. And whenever they went, "what? No children? Well you'd better get on with it, old girl" I'd say "No! F**k Off"" —Dame Helen Mirren, British Vogue February 2013      

I feel like this - I never made a choice not to have kids - I did make a choice to not do it alone and I guess being single for so long now the choice has been made for me.  A few years back, when I retired for the Seadoo store I had set up and ran for so many years, many people told me upon telling "oh great now you can have children" - um hello - I was retiring from something that had yes brought me many laughs and adventures but I got out after 10 years - that is only half the sentence till a touch of freedom is recovered after deciding to have a child. And I was not a spring chicken back then - I had the chance to live my life for me and I was going to do the right (selfish) thing and live it - all of it - I had a lot of lost ground to make up for.

I am sure I will be asked if I regret not having children - I am not sure if 'regret' is the right word to use.  I would have loved to have at least one kid - once upon a time there was the plan to get married and have kids.  But there is the catch in the whole concept - to get married - or at least be with someone who wants to be with you long enough to bring a child to adulthood.  I wasn't going to risk bringing a child into the world that like me would have had little to no contact with their father (granted that is my choice now but there is a valid reason).  I have said for a long time "that it takes 2 to create a child because that is the minimum required to raise them"  

Anyway all is not lost - I am sure that one day in the future I will meet a man that will fit most of the wants I have (getting a 100% would frankly be impossible) and lets get real here - I can't imagine there will be many in my age demographic that won't have a kid somewhere!  I can then have the best of it all - be a parent to a child / young adult and have a guy without the extra stress of having to go through the baby thing.  Truth be told new born babies are terrifying little creatures - and I am sorry - they are not adorable - they are all  wrinkled and crinkled and floppy and all weird looking  - sorta funny they put em in a "bucket" to take them anywhere.

Don't get me wrong - to the people out there that are parents - I take my hat off to you  - I don't know how you do it!  It is a dedication and commitment beyond what I am capable of. You have to go through so much just to see them take their first breath and work so hard to ensure that you take your last before them.  And everything in between is a combination of excitement, reward and frustration - well if they are anything like how I was growing up.

I am a big kid.  A selfish big kid that doesn't want to share her toys - but has so much to offer the kids that do come into my life.  Being an aunty is pretty special too you know :)

If you want to read the article "25 Famous Women on Childlessness" check it out here

http://nymag.com/thecut/2014/08/25-famous-women-on-childlessness.html

escape

escape is never an option - but to run away and live another life can sometimes do the same thing - I should know - my mum did it when I was younger and now it appears that I have figured out the reality behind the illusion - you can have what ever your heart desires but often the only time is in your dreams.  They aren't a bad place to travel to - certainly cheaper than other parts of the world but unless you are one of the lucky few you have even less control of your dreams than you do of your heart and life.  So do as I all too often do - lie back and let it take you on the journey, float way like you are lying on the top of the ocean.  Free your mind and surely the heart will follow...